I've sunk into the blues this evening. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it is spending the holiday by myself, although I spend almost every holiday by myself so I don't know why this is any different. Maybe it was the conversation I had this evening with a friend about love and dating. Our conversation focused on the dating world for bigger women such as myself. The conversation was great, and at the time I thought it made me feel better, but I've become more blue as the evening has progressed, so maybe not.
Its an uphill battle and one I can't help but feel negatively about. Its hard to go out there with head held high, confidence radiating, when I don't have any confidence in myself or my looks. I know I have a lot to offer. Finding someone to see that is the part that I'm not sure I believe in. And whether anyone will ever give the shy reclusive me a chance. I'm never going to be the boisterous life of the party or comfortable in large group situations.
I'm not supposed to care about any of this anyway what with my goal of leaving these kind of worries behind for a year. I guess it is expected for these blue nights to pop up now and again. I guess I can never really leave all of it behind. Especially on a quiet lonely holiday night.