Every time that I feel that I am making great strides in my self confidence and overcoming my social anxiety something happens to show me that I still have a long, LONG way to go. These don't have to be big things, in fact both of these are very small. But I feel myself sliding into my old habits of hiding and avoiding confrontation.
Today I met with two people from Houstonist, because as you may remember, I'm one of the people enlisted to help get a Houstonist Photo Exhibit going. We had good conversation about the ideas, before and with the gallery owner. No stress, no hiding, no axiety. It was a good day for me. There will be a follow up meeting on Saturday and when I got home I saw that a large number of people plan on being there. That's different. Meeting today with two people, one I already knew was not a big deal. Saturday with 6 or more people and half of them I don't know gets scarier. Especially since most of these are what I call "the beautiful people." Beautiful, hip, young. The "in" crowd. All the things I'm not. Is this logical or accurate? NOT AT ALL. That is part of my frustration with myself. But my first instinct is to flee. I literally feel like I must find an escape. I'm sure it will pass and I'll be fine, but it shows me that I haven't come as far as I thought I have in terms of socialzing AND self confidence.
Second, one of my photos is being used somewhere without attribution and I really don't want to make a big issue of it, because I'm concerned about what they will think of me and I'm annoyed with myself for that. I have received tons of publicity from them in the past (yes... I know most of you can figure all of this out) and it really ISN'T a big deal, but it still bothers me. It bothers me that it isn't attributed like it should be under Creative Commons and the part that REALLY bothers me is that I don't have the guts, the self confidence or the strength to confront them about it. Put up or shut up is running through my head. I may address this later this evening, but right now I'm of two minds, both of them unhappy.
So a lot of the frustration is with myself. Some days I feel like a totally different person than I was a year ago and in many ways I AM a totally different person. Then there are times like this where the old me bubbles up to the surface and resumes control. And it gets harder to deal with that person because I thought she had gone.
PS I know some of you beautiful people read this blog and you are going to have a lot to say. I already told you, I know it ISN'T logical. But if you must pontificate, you must.
UPDATE: Well I've sent an email off about the attribution. We'll see how that goes. I'm not any happier even after making a decision, but that is the nature of this old version of me that I'm dealing with. Stress over the smallest things.