So how do you write a post that you know has the potential to make you look petty, petulant, childish, whiny, ungrateful, etc. You probably spend most of the day, as I have, thinking about writing the post, maybe even opening up the posting window and then running off to look at something else on the internet. I think that's called avoidance.
I was notified today that one of my photos was selected for the photo exhibit that I have been helping to organize. For months I have been joking that I better get at least one photo in otherwise I would be bitter while continuing to organize the exhibit. That was a joke. So you think I'd be ecstatic that I got in, right? Instead I'm disappointed. Disappointed that I only got one shot in.
I'm so aggravated at myself for feeling this way yet I can't shake it. I know that there are wonderful photographers out there that didn't make it at all and I should be happy for myself and all those that did. Instead I feel like I got in out of pity or by accident. Logical? No. (Since when have I been logical around here) My friends and family are very happy for me and I imagine that I will be happier when it gets closer, but today not so much. I never thought of myself as highly competitive, but today I keep thinking back to a certain Monopoly game that my ex-boyfriend and I played. I lost and I didn't take it very well. We never played Monopoly again and I think we were both surprised at my behavior.
Some people I'm genuinely happy for (mostly my close friends), some people I see their winning submissions and completely understand, some people I'm completely confused why their shots got in in twos and threes while I could only manage one and some people I'm truly sorry that they didn't get in.
I'm so disgusted with myself right now and I think I've lost a little faith in my photography. I know I'm not a professional or even advanced amateur so I shouldn't be surprised. My shots are in some weird nebulous territory. I'm not exactly producing fine art and don't have the skills for commercial art. I always told myself that it didn't matter that I don't sell prints, win competitions, get more comments or get recognized more often, but I guess deep down it does. I have also always thought of myself as a cheerleader for the online photography community in Houston and I expect a lot better of myself than this.
Writing this has helped although it actually has made me start crying with frustration at having to face this ugly side of myself. I know that the only people that read this are truly friends who will hopefully understand. I ask my friends to keep my "secret." Most of the online communities I frequent don't visit this blog so I don't expect they will know any of these feelings and I'd like to keep it that way. Because I *am* a cheerleader for online photography opportunities in town, I truly enjoy supporting and nurturing others, I like that position and don't want to give it up. Even when Monopoly girl rears her ugly head.