So contest is over. It went about how I expected. The choirs got 2's on stage and the sight reading ranged from 3 to 1 (1 is the high and the district expectation, 5 is the low). This morning after we finished, my assistant and I had the chance to return to the contest site and listen to about 10 choirs perform and I've come to a realization. I'm mediocre.
I don't know if I know how to get better and I don't know if I really want to (or can) change just to get better at this one contest. Right at this moment I feel like I can't put anymore of myself into this and that I should walk away and find something else to do. I don't wake up each day with a burning passion to teach music, yet I know that I am a natural at teaching. Just ask anyone who has been around me when I begin explaining something. I sometimes wish a new job would fall into my lap (with equal pay of course), but things like that don't happen. You have to go after them. I could go back to school, but to study what? There is nothing else that I am interested in that could become a real career. And don't get me wrong, I can be a very driven person. I just think my drive is failing at this job. Is that the definition of burn out? But I can't imagine doing anything else. I knew I wanted to be a music teacher in 7th grade. What happened?
I feel sadder than I have in a long time. I don't know if it is just all the stress from the last few months finally working its way out or if this is a real and true life changing realization. I guess time will tell. Now to have a good cry, a good foot massage and hopefully a good weekend.