The Freak Out

So there is this big party tomorrow and I have agreed to attend as one of the photographers and capture the event. It would give me a chance to practice my event photography, something that I want to see if I can do. It will be the place to be tomorrow night if you are involved in the web world here in Houston. And I'm starting to freak out.

Some of this is the same old same old that I have been dealing with forever. Large social situations like this are very stressful for me. Those who have traveled through this blog with me know that I have definite anxiety issues. I do much better one on one than I do in a crowd. There will be several people I know there casually, but nobody that will be my anchor. You would think I would be used to this as I basically go through my life anchorless, but it never gets easier.

The other part of this is that there will be specific people there that have made things uncomfortable for me in recent months. I have been able to avoid being in the same place, mainly for my sanity more than anything else, but tomorrow that will not be possible. This would be tolerable if I weren't by myself, but please see above paragraph.

I have told myself that I would not willingly walk into situations that will stress me out or freak me out as part of dealing with the anxiety and yet that is what I am planning to do tomorrow. I want to go, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it with dignity. And that is the most important thing. I don't want to get into childish games, I don't want to feel like an awkward teenager, I want to be able to keep my head high. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do it. The urge to flee is very strong, but I feel responsible to follow through with my commitment. I'm just scared.

PS: I need to look through my archives more often. What interesting reading, at least for me. Funny stories, anecdotes, oh yeah moments. I see that last summer really did suck and wasn't just my imagination and I've forgotten this post in which I said things would change. They haven't changed as much as I hoped, but for me hope springs eternal and every new day is a new chance to make a change.

The Expected Path

Fragmented thoughts on a shopping trip