I'm home from work after half a day. I think my body got tired of the lingering cough and yesterday just decided to be full on sick. Achy, tired, feverish, chills. I slept most of the day, waking up only to turn into a new position on my sofa and through bleary eyes see that the Texans were getting a sound thrashing. The fever subsided and I went in this morning because today is my co-workers birthday, but I had to come home at noon. I slept for about 45 minutes but then was awakened by the maintenance people doing yearly fire sprinkler inspections. And that is where I am. Needing to sleep, but can't go back to sleep. My mind is whirling on things it shouldn't be. I thought that I was actually starting to recover from my recent heartbreak, but I guess not. Or maybe with my defenses down they are just down all around. Can't hold back the tears and tears are probably not what a sick body needs.
Am I ready to tell? I don't know. Let' see if I actually post this entry. Someone came back into my life who I loved and will probably always love. And more than that I trusted. We had three wonderful months of communication, full of possibilities and hope and that all ended abruptly when I got a call from his WIFE basically asking what was going on. I asked oh internet, if he was married, in my very first email to him as we began to reconnect. It would have hurt then, but I would have gotten over it and we would have been able to forge a friendship. Now there is nothing. And my dreams of what might have been are trashed. But that isn't the part that hurts the most. The part that hurts the most is that while we were together I never thought he was the marrying type. But he obviously was because less than a year after our break up he was married. I am reminded of this scene from When Harry Met Sally:
Sally: All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
That is pretty much where I am now. And I'm here to tell you it is an awful, awful place. And don't try to tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. Anything you say will sound fake. Because there has only been two real relationships in my life, this being one. I don't date, there are no prospects and I wouldn't even know where to begin. People aren't interested in me in that way. Not romantically at least. I thought last week that I was really going to be ok and start coming out of it. I only cried a little each night and not very much. I have gone completely backwards today. I guess this world is all about appearances. That dooms me to spend my life by myself because even if I dropped 100 pounds tomorrow, I would know that people were never interested in me, the me that I am now, but only the pretty package me, with no care for what is inside.
Oh good. It's raining.