I have gone over and around, up and down, back and forth in my mind the last few weeks trying to figure out my new year's resolutions. This is only the third year that I'm officially doing resolutions, so it isn't like I have a long standing tradition, but I really like the idea of them and I have had some success the last few years with some of my goals.
This year each time I would narrow it down to two or three I felt like I was leaving out others that were just as important. Picking two or three like drinking more water (still don't drink enough) or making eye contact (still avert my eyes in public) isn't a true picture of what I want 2011 to be.
Because I want this year to be different. To be special. To be a year for change where I live a beautiful life. The kind of life that I see in other people's photographs and read about on their blogs and wish that I had. The kind of life I dream about when I imagine running away to another city and starting over. I imagine that if I were to move somewhere new I could become a whole new person and leave my sadness, loneliness and anxieties behind me. Not that they would just go away but I could pretend that they didn't exist and after enough pretending it would be so.
The thing is I have been blogging about all these little changes for years. My blog is full of posts on all the changes that I want to make to get to that beautiful life.
Cook meals at home, eat fresh foods, ride my bike, make eye contact, drink more water, live more simply, watch my money, disconnect from the computer/tv screen, go on photowalks, start creating a cozy home even if it is just an apartment, dress nice instead of like a schlub, take my medicine, become more of a girly girl, read more books, sort the real friends from the fake friends, connect better with my family, travel more, on and on and on.
As I was trying to pick only two or three goals all the others were clamoring for attention. I considered focusing on one goal a month but all the others protested having to wait. It seems that this year it is all or nothing.
The biggest task will be adjusting my mental image of myself. I'm going to work on believing this photograph. I am very down on myself. This was really brought home to me when I couldn't bring myself to comment on this post where the author asked people to write why they were beautiful. It was too painful for me to even pretend to write something down because I don't think there is anything beautiful about me. This makes me sad that I think this way and it needs to change. I'm going to have to squash a lot of negative thought that is my constant companion. I'm going to have to pretend to feel confident and assured until I get used to keeping my head up and my eyes forward. This will be the hardest task of all and it won't change in one year. But change starts now.
I'm slightly nervous about my success this year since I don't have small concrete resolutions as I have had in the past. I will have to remind myself everyday of the changes I want to make, but this "resolution" feels right. I'm going to run away from home and start all over without all the moving expenses. 2011 is going to be a beautiful year.
Here we go.