Preparing

We are preparing for a death in the family.  That's such a weird sentence to write.  One of my aunts (I only grew up knowing two) has been fighting pancreatic cancer for the last year and a half or so.  I got an email at lunch today from my other aunt who said that the doctors told her there was nothing else they could do for her.  That aunt estimates it will be a month.

At times I seem detached from the idea and my mind wanders to other things like I'm perfectly normal and then other times I can't stop crying.  I don't deal well with death.  Of course who does, but I don't like thinking about dying and all the things I'm going to miss.  I have a small family and have only had to deal with the passing of a family member twice, once when I was in 8th grade and once when I was a junior in college.  That was almost 20 years ago.  I realized that in the next 10-20 years I'm going to have to deal with 5 or 6 more.  What an awful and frankly bizarre realization.  I told a co-worker today (after pouring my heart out) that I don't like this age that we are at.  When we have to start saying goodbye or start preparing to say goodbye.  This sucks and this is the first time I have ever wished I was 20 again.

One of my favorite pictures ever is this one I took at my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary this summer.  It was a complete accident, but when I saw it I loved it.  My aunt reaching out to her granddaughter and grandson while dancing.   My heart breaks.

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Photography 2011