Worthiness

Part of this new and slowly improving me is learning to open myself up to new situations.  For example: back pain.  That’s not an exciting new situation, but dealing with it was.  

This evening I stretched and twisted and ended up pulling a back muscle. As the evening went on it became very painful and thus began my new lesson; I am not alone.

I have spent most of my 41 years handling things on my own.  Learning to take care of myself to the point that it feels weird and I don’t feel worthy of someone else taking care of me.  (Yes, I know that is as wrong as it sounds, but that is what I am working on improving.) But now The Boyfriend is in the picture and I am going to have to learn to lean on someone.

I was a terrible patient this evening.  I whined, complained, pouted and squealed in pain.  If I was having to take care of myself I would have rolled my eyes every 10 minutes.  The Boyfriend, ever patient, made me take some pain relief medication, massaged in some menthol gel, had me lie on my back and best of all made me laugh the whole night.

My back muscle still twinges but it is not the horrible pain it was earlier in the evening (although he says it will be bad tomorrow…. will it?).  I have to learn to let someone care for me without trying to deflect with bad behavior and thoughts of unworthiness.  The fact that I even recognize this is a problem is a small step forward.  And I never said this was going to be a quick journey.

The Beginning